A Different Kind of "No."

Boundary violations happen. Sometimes they're on purpose, we explored ways to handle those moments last week. But what about when the violation is accidental? It's human nature to have good intentions and still overstep boundaries– it doesn't automatically mean someone is malicious. Consider a fortified castle: some will purposely attack the walls, try to burrow under, or approach claiming to be friends when they aren't... And some people will simply be going about their day and accidentally walk straight into the walls.

​It's not enough to learn “no.” We also have to learn how to recognize the intention behind someone's violation; did they mean harm, or was it accidental? If it was a mistake, can we create a different response that allows the boundary violation to be an opportunity for you two deepen your trust together? Not only is this possible, it's mandatory if we want other people to feel safe around us– people need room to make mistakes or they will not stick around.

In this module of DBT, we explore how to feel steadier in the messiness of real relationships. And obnoxiously, it has far less to do with manipulating other people than intuitively feels safe. Cue the discomfort! ​But as we learn to keep our “no” safe, connecting with other humans starts to feel less like a battle and more like a playground, a place where things can be easier, lighter, and far more natural. Because when we do healing right, life gets easier, not harder.
 
​Today, start to play around with your relationship with "no." (A great time to use your journals if inclined.) Tomorrow we will play a game about human interaction that will help you start uncovering the quiet parts of yourself that influence how you show up with others, often without you even realizing it.

-From Week 4: Interpersonal Effectiveness